I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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