he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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