a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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