We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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