I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
