Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
