Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
