guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
