i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
this is an emotional support booty call
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
