he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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