She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
