i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
