Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I want her autograph on my taint
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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