I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
