My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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