you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
