the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
