you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
