I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize