I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
