yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
