Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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