You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
