I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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