got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
