Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
