Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
