you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
