Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
