cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
