new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
