masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
