I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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