Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
