Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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