Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize