I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
