Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
