Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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