i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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