We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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