The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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