He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
