Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize