how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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