turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
