I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize