I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
