You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Randomize
