Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
