i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
