did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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