just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
