Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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