I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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