I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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