It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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