Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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