I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize