I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My penis needs a shock collar
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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