Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
